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Tableaux Vivant

Tableaux Vivant

A couple stands in front of palm fronds, a blue verified checkmark between them.

This is the fifth chapter of “Scammer,” a serialized novel parodying Caroline Calloway’s memoir of the same name. New chapters every Sunday until March 14, 2021.

I am smart as fuck, hot as fuck, and hard to fuck.

So hard to fuck, in fact, that I never fucked Oliver Fang. That’s right: I never actually had sex with my dreamy, real-life K-pop twink from the Stanford era, my muse and subject of half a million whimsical Instagram captions. I just made our experiences sound like sex because I knew exactly what would sell.

That boy wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if one sat itself right upon his face. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen — Oliver is strictly dickly. He’s been dating the same guy for years now, so I think it’s okay to let this particular cat out of the bag. Everything we did, we did for the camera. But we looked cute together, and we legitimately enjoyed one another’s company. At the end of the day, isn’t that what really matters?

Oliver Fang is now a twenty-three-year-old multimillionaire who travels the world, posts shirtless photos of himself vaping next to his fitness influencer boyfriend, former circus performer Ben Larson, and publishes long thinkpieces that nobody asked for on his personal website. He is considered tech royalty for founding a viral short-video app called NipNop and selling it to Facebook for ten billion dollars. I’m proud of him, I really am. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at him.

Facebook actually acquired NipNop right around the time my own public life blew up. The New Yorker ran an article about me and Oliver’s relationship, portraying him as an up-and-comer and me as a Z-list celebrity scammer. How fucking sexist is that?! We were business partners and equals. Just because he followed through with his promises doesn’t make me a fucking grifter. Honestly, I made Oliver Fang. If not for the story I spun about him on my Instagram account, if not for my moral support and pictures of me, NipNop would be nonexistent, and not a single soul would know his name.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here; I’ll save the formal roasting for a later chapter. He helped me out a lot, too, of course. The point is that, while our courtship and subsequent bliss was the envy of my growing fanbase, Oliver was never the love of my life. What we had was not a relationship, but an agreement.

The character of Helena Holloway was great on her own, but she needed a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, we love to talk about “empowering women” and all that good shit, but I personally wanted to have it all, and not in the reasonable way that feminists did. I wanted to be the independent boss bitch and the princess who got saved by a dapper knight. Basically, I wanted to do my own thing while dating a guy who was both handsome and rich.

Any handsome, rich guy would have been enough, but as luck would have it, I snagged a nineteen-year-old startup CEO and became one-half of a power couple. Oliver was my next-door neighbor in San Francisco; his office had a turret that directly faced my tower. The first time we met, we actually did lock eyes through our respective windows … but it wasn’t nearly as romantic as I made it out to be on Instagram.

I was plucking a fresh orchid bloom from my plant to put in my hair one day during my first semester at Stanford when music started blasting from his room. It was so loud that I could feel my walls vibrating to the bass line.

All my life I want money and power⁣
Respect my mind or die from lead shower⁣
I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower⁣
So I can fuck the world for seventy two hours

I don’t listen to rap. I hate rap. I know, I know, it’s really … I mean, I also don’t like classical music, so I feel like that balances it out. It’s not a race thing at all. When the blaster of the music came into view, bobbing his head and flailing about to the thumping beat, I gave him a look withering enough to turn him to dust.

Damn, I got bitches⁣
Damn, I got bitches⁣
Damn, I got bitches⁣
Wifey, girlfriend and mistress

He was vibing so hard that he didn’t even see me, at first. Then his gaze landed on me, and, noticing my expression, he reached over to his glowing speaker and turned the volume up even louder, hollering the words at top volume all the while.

BEEOTCH! (No way)⁣
BEEOTCH! (No way)⁣
BEEOTCH! (No way)⁣
BEEOTCH! (Okay)⁣

I’m never living life confined⁣
It’s a failure even if I’m blind⁣
I can tell ya who, what, when, where, how⁣
to sell ya game right on time

That did it. The audacity of this bitch! I shoved on a pair of Keds and marched across to his house. Outside, the music was even louder. How did his other neighbors put up with this? I banged on the front door several times; when nobody answered, I turned the doorknob and followed Kendrick Lamar’s booming voice up to my shithead neighbor’s room at the top of the building.

If he was surprised to see me, he didn’t show it as he mentioned for me to come in. He was saying something, but I couldn’t hear him over the throb of the beat.

“WHAT?” I shouted.

He cantered over to the speaker and turned the volume down. “I said, hey there.”

His accent had a slight British clip to it. Interesting. Up close, my neighbor was about my height and solidly built, with lightly tanned skin and shoulder-length black hair brushed back like a lion’s mane. His brows were thick and dark, as though he’d applied Glossier Boy Brow that morning. He was attractive in an exotic way, like an anime character, but it didn’t make him any less annoying to me at that moment.

“Hey,” I replied flatly. “Do you mind killing the tunes? You’re welcome to play your shit while I’m down at Stanford.”

“Ah, a Stanford student,” he said, flopping down on his unmade bed. “Tell me, what is it like to go to such a good school? You must be soooooooo smart.”

“Are you making fun of me?” Arrogant asshole. Attractive or not, I wasn’t looking forward to having to deal with him in the future.

“You’re welcome to play your shit while I’m down at Stanford,” he mimicked. “Is that what matters to you? Going to a fancy-pants school that churns out techy sellouts?”

“As a matter of fact, I run a business when I’m not in class, and I want to work on it in peace without hearing about how big you’d like your dick to be.”

“As a matter of fact, I also run a business, and ruminating about penis size helps me to focus.” He looked me straight in the eye. “I also went to Stanford, by the way. I dropped out last semester.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’m doing this startup with a friend of mine, and we just raised our Series A a few months ago. My duties became too intense to balance with schoolwork, so …” He shrugged. “I’m a full-time CEO now.”

The Series A was the first round of venture capital, where startups got big money from fancy people in suits down in Silicon Valley. Not many companies got this far — if he and his friend had managed to do it, they had to actually have something of value. Was this guy one of those young, nerdy, ambitious-yet-bookish kids I’d envisioned when I’d thought about the Bay Area? 

I kept my face neutral. “What kind of startup do you run?”

He reached over to his chrome-and-white IKEA nightstand for a MacBook Air covered in techy stickers. Major League Hacking, read one. Google Reader, said another. YC. A black cartoon cat with octopus tentacles standing in a puddle. A black rectangle with white words printed on it in code font: Can I fork your repository? He typed something in before shutting the laptop. “Actually, I should ask my co-founder if he’s okay with you seeing the actual UI. I can tell you what it is, though. We’re building an app where people can send short, private videos to one another.”

“Like Snapchat?”

“Yeah, but you can make your video public if you want, and people can follow you. We’re thinking of adding a recommendation algorithm that will tailor users’ feeds to their content preferences.”

“Ah, so, like, the love child of Snapchat and Instagram.”

He nodded, eyes shining. “We call it NipNop. We’re still in the MVP stage, but I can talk to Elio and Andre — they’re my co-founders — about making you a beta tester, if you want.”

A genuine smile spread across his face, and I realized with a start that he had the boy-band good looks worthy of a teen-mag centerfold. His face, I thought, was the exact kind of male face that young girls loved to rip out of magazines and tape to their bedroom walls.

Hmm.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said noncommittally. Never show them how eager you are.

“I’m Oliver, by the way.”

Already, I could see the pictures, the almost-cliché sentence on the page about our meet-cute that my fans couldn’t help but eat up: We locked eyes through our respective windows.

“I’m Helena.” And I am going to make you mine.

Helena and Oliver, I thought. Oliver and Helena.

Perfect.

Oh, yes. The character of Helena Holloway needed a boyfriend, and this one would do just fine.

I started hanging out with Oliver whenever I could. We got along beautifully, despite our shitty first interaction. Our ambitions complemented one another’s like meat and cheese on a charcuterie board. Oliver understood what it was like to want to be famous more than anything else. He understood and never judged me for my ambition. He never thought that what I wanted was dirty or wrong. I could be my true self around him, and he me. After a while, I didn’t even mind the awful music he was so fond of.

Like me, Oliver was also from a rich family. Unlike me, his parents had placed strict expectations upon him since he was a little boy, instilling in him an iron work ethic while at the same time fostering a solid sense of hatred towards authority figures. As the first-born son of two wealthy Chinese immigrants, he was to be a doctor or a lawyer. Dropping out of Stanford to pursue a purely ‘fun’ venture like NipNop was a solidly satisfying fuck-you right in their faces.

“That’s why I want this to succeed so badly,” he explained one day as we sat on my bed, sharing a joint. “I want to show my mom and dad that building a company is just as valuable as going the conventional, secure route. Honestly, this is all I want.”

The fact that NipNop was an entertainment app with no inherent value to humanity gave him more satisfaction than anything else. The app was ostensibly for any type of video, but its real purpose was for people to send each other short clips that weren’t quite safe for work. Oliver had created it because he hadn’t been able to find any apps that let him send private videos to his hookup buddies. Even Snapchat was photos-only back then.

“The only problem is that I don’t know how to get enough users,” he sighed, blowing out a cloud of smoke. “My investors want me to launch the public beta within six months, but I’m afraid that it’ll flop without enough initial hype.”

This was my moment. “I have an idea,” I said as I crossed my fingers behind my back.

“What is it?”

I turned to him. “We could fake date. Like, make a publicity stunt and boost each other’s profiles on social media. People love couples. People especially love power couples. They would eat us up. I bet we could each get over five thousand followers from the first post alone.”

Oliver raised an eyebrow. “Tell me more.”

Without practice, I am not good in front of crowds. I’m not even too great in small groups! But if there’s one people-skill I naturally do have, it’s convincing others to do things my way. Put me in front of a single person — better yet, a single person who wants something just as much as I do — and I can work some real magic.

“I’ll appear in your public videos and in any pictures you want to post on your social channels.” I managed to take a hit from the joint without coughing. “And I’ll be an excellent plus-one for any fancy founder events you want to take me to. I clean up well, and I know how to make a good impression.

“I’ve been thinking that I should have a boyfriend for Instagram,” I continued, “but I don’t actually want to date anybody. Relationships take way too much time to sustain, and my first love is my work. I’m sure you can understand that.”

He nodded.

“I’ll make my captions longer and more story-like. I’ll spin up a cute story of how we met and started talking. We’ll stage photos together, and I’ll tag you in everything. We’ll make it seem like the cutest real-life fairytale one could imagine. Right now, NipNop is just another app, but if the founder — you — have a compelling personal backstory, public interest will increase exponentially. Think of Jordan Belfort from The Wolf of Wall Street. Do you know that he’s making more money now as a motivational speaker than he ever did at Stratton Oakmont? It’s because people know his story. They say that sex sells” — I batted my eyelashes and put my hand below my chin — “but I think that story sells better.”

“And what do I get in exchange?” Oliver asked.

“Isn’t getting more famous enough?”

“I’m also trying to build an empire here.”

I rolled my eyes. I’d had this part planned out too, of course, but I also knew how to negotiate. “I’ll make original content for your platform. Public videos — NipNops?” I nodded, liking how NipNop sounded as a synonym for short video. “I’ll make a NipNop for every photo that you appear in, and you can use any of them to promote your app.”

I could tell that Oliver was thinking about it.

“You can still keep hooking up with your guys, of course,” I said, referring to the anonymous men that Oliver often brought over to his office in the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, loud music wasn’t the only noise that ended up drifting over to my room from his. “Just make sure that you don’t get caught. If you cheat on me, our followers would be totally devastated.”

“So, let me get this straight — you’re suggesting that we pretend to be in a relationship in public so that we can both benefit from being attractive, accomplished teenagers?”

“Wow, you are good at elevator pitches. Yeah, that’s exactly it.”

He laughed. “I love the way you think. If I weren’t into men, I would probably actually like you.”

“So are you in?” I held out my hand.

“Definitely.” He gave it a firm shake, as if I were one of those venture capitalists he was always going on about. “You have a deal.”

Oliver had the whole thing drawn up into a contract, because he was thorough like that. Once everything was sorted out on the legal end, it was time to put our plan into action. He and I took photos together — lots and lots and lots of photos, which I then turned into posts. Oliver had a mind for marketing and strategy, which is to say that he was a conniving bitch out for clout, just like me. We were kindred spirits in that regard, and spending time with him was legitimately enjoyable. I didn’t have to play the character of Helena Holloway. I didn’t have to be anyone other than my real self. I think I will always love Oliver Fang a little bit because of it.

— Me and Oliver standing against a background of green palm leaves, a cartoon heart doodled in white between us: I have to tell you something: I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a few weeks, and I wanted to wait until the right moment to break the news to you. How did we meet? Glad you asked! I was arranging flowers on my balcony when I heard a familiar tune come through the open windows. Was that … Taylor Swift? I looked up to see who was playing that music. It was a boy my age. We locked eyes through our respective windows. Thirty seconds later, that boy was at my door.

Oliver, leaning against my fireplace wall, holding a new orchid plant in his arms with a boyish smirk on his face: “Hi,” he said in a British-tinged accent. He was handsome in a pretty way, like a K-pop star. “I’m Oliver, and I was wondering if you wanted to walk around the city with me. It’s almost never this warm in the city, and all of my friends are busy.” It was ridiculous to say yes, of course — he didn’t even know my name yet. But I was tired from school and wanted to do something out of the ordinary.

— Oliver dipping me in a kiss against a bunch of palm fronds: “I’m Helena,” I said as Oliver and I wandered up and down streets flanked with Victorian houses like little gems. When he found out that I’d just come from the East Coast, he became every part the charming tour guide. He showed me the Grateful Dead house and the street corner where you could buy the best acid from hippies. When we came to Buena Vista Park, where several people were sunning themselves in the green grass by a set of rainbow-colored steps, he pointed to the rolling hill. “And that’s where I kissed this pretty girl I know. Just not yet.”

NipNop launched its public beta two months after Oliver and I made our little agreement. Just like I’d promised, I made a NipNop for every photo I posted. Fortunately, I didn’t have to do anything sexual; Oliver didn’t care what I made, as long as it was entertaining. I would take my tripod into an empty room to record clips of me dancing, or going on a short rant about an arbitrary topic. I didn’t have any stage fright when it was just my camera and me.

Thanks to my videos — and perfectly timed social-media promotion — five thousand people signed up as testers on the first day.

— Oliver sitting on a grassy hill in Buena Vista Park, the light turning his black hair a reddish brown: We sat on that grassy hill until it got dark and I learned about Oliver’s “zero-tolerance policy” for small talk. When I asked him what he studied, he said playfully, “I dropped out of school, if you must know. But that’s strike one. You have two more boring questions left.” I found out that he was the co-founder of a video-sharing app (link in bio if you want to sign up for public beta!), and that he’d gone to boarding school in Britain, where he’d snuck into secret society meetings and kissed as many boys as he did girls. He worked just as hard as he played, and eventually graduated at the top of his class. He went to Stanford for a year to study mathematics, but instead he found his real passion: business. NipNop started as a silly app he made with his friend to send videos back and forth to one another, but eventually it took up so much time that he convinced his friend to drop out and form a company with him. “And that’s why I’m here with you,” finished Oliver. “Isn’t life just mah-vah-luss like that?”

For the relationship announcement post, the two of us went to a beautiful palm frond-lined wall on campus. I picked out his entire outfit — from the maroon shirt to the black pants to the sensible-but-still-stylish shoes. We had to look great together, like we were having fun. Which, of course, we were. We took several shots of him looking at me, me looking at him, us holding hands.

“Okay, now kiss me,” I directed.

To his credit, he did it in an incredibly romantic way, dipping me down low and softly placing his lips on mine as I frantically pressed down on my Bluetooth shutter. He smelled like clean sheets and tasted like peppermint. I harbored no real romantic intentions toward this boy, and yet I felt a slight swoop in my stomach, a slight quickening of my heartbeat. I could see why people could be into this sort of thing.

— Me lying with my head on Oliver’s lap in my bed: Oliver would later tell me that he fell in love with me the first time he saw me trekking up the hill up to my house in a pair of five-inch heels. “I thought you were the most determined girl I’d ever met,” he’d say. “It was like you knew that you wouldn’t twist your ankle in those things.” We got together for the first time during my second week at school, when I was so homesick for Pennsylvania that I knocked on his door in tears. “I need you to lie next to me and stroke my hair and watch The Wolf of Wall Street until I fall asleep,” I told him. “Otherwise I am literally going to die of sadness.”

Story Oliver was debonair, like the ideal rom-com love interest. I wanted to set a million little hearts aflutter with this charming version of him: a boy who dressed nice because he wanted to, not because he had to. The real Oliver was a rap-loving, money-and-fame obsessed asshole who was conniving as I was. The Oliver in the Helena Holloway story was confident, suave, self-assured to the point of bulldozing over other people’s feelings, yet attentive and sweet and charming to me.

All of it was contrived and fake and manipulative, of course … and it was the beginning of real fame, for both of us. I was gaining more and more followers a day; Oliver’s personal Instagram account broke ten thousand followers, with hundreds signing up to beta-test NipNop every day, all thanks to me.

— Oliver and me sitting on his front steps, sharing a cup of frozen yogurt: The phrase “… or I will literally die of sadness” is an old inside joke for us now. “If I don’t get this shot …” “If this code doesn’t run …” “If you don’t come back and give me a proper kiss goodbye …” However, the first time I said it, standing in his doorway crying like a little bitch, I didn’t see how anything about it could be funny. Even when Oliver grinned and said playfully, “So do you mean metaphorically, or …?” I just said, “No.” And when Oliver came into my room a couple minutes later, I was already in bed watching Margot Robbie, dressed in all pink, push Leo DiCaprio away with her sexy magenta pumps. He climbed into bed next to me and I laid my head in his lap. With one hand, he stroked my hair. Neither of us spoke. We sat like that for a long time, just watching the movie.

“Listen carefully,” I said, pausing dramatically one day in my room as we both refreshed our Instagrams over and over. “Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The sound of a million little hearts quivering in the chests of a million little American girls.”

Oliver laughed. He had a nice laugh, loud and hearty and sincere-sounding, like he legitimately thought that you were funny, even if you weren’t. Oliver had no trouble with people. He was a good CEO and public figure, through and through.

“Well, then, it’s time to celebrate. And I know just the song for this moment.” He typed something into his laptop, and a few minutes later, Kendrick Lamar’s forceful voice burst forth through the speakers.

All my life I want money and power …

This time, I sang along.

Next chapter

Chapter 6: Heaven Spelled Backwards

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